'6 July 2005'

I hate the feeling of fear, especially when it edges to become (and I can actually feel the transformation) to hate. And it has been sometime since i've felt helplessness coupled with malicious intent.

It had happened before. The place where i used to stay in Taiping was ransacked in the dead of night as i was away in Penang. It was a year ago i guess. The cuplrits were never caught. I thank God that my mum was away too. It could've gotten ugly if she were to be present during the incident, at the time she was supposed to be taking charge of the place by herself. I don't even want to go there. I still remember feeling the urge to kill when i received a call that night from her, she said there were reporters and the whole place was one big messed up scene, clothes and objects all chaotically chucked about during their search for whatever was valuable. She sounded so fragile and shocked. I felt so damn helpless. If i could kill those involved i would; at the time there was nothing but anger and wrath in me. It consumed me.

But even then, no finger was pointed at God. I reasoned with myself that bad things do happen to good people as well because of thing known as 'free-will'; a part-time bane of the human race; the freedom of choice - that often leads to acts unthinkable and ugly.

At the end of it, i had to give myself up to the fact that those crooks would probably never be identified and chose to see the good instead: at least no one was harmed in that incident. I sometimes still feel that ugly feeling and sometimes, though i know it's wrong to be carrying that type of load; i don't give it half a thought not to.

I had to feel it again yesterday. What is Taiping coming to?

I can only pray for strength and comfort for those in bereavement. I hope what the idiots did will come back to them one day.

( _")