'Nutshell'

Only an hour earlier I was trying to touch her knee. I was sitting up on the floor with my back against the wooden frame of my bed. She kicked my hand away and said that she was ticklish. I looked up at the wall, the messed up desk which I had not used in ages. She was trying to make herself comfortable in the upper right corner of the bed, drawing her legs up and holding them against her body with her arms.

"All I wanted to do was just to please God," she said. She said it without much feeling, how she felt that she had done nothing wrong in wanting to preserve her virginity for the man that she would marry. I felt some sort of obligation because she chose to call me, but could say nothing to make things better. So we were silent for a while.

"Just leave him," I said, "if having sex with you matters so much to him in your relationship."

"I can't believe my friend just gave herself up to him!"

I tried to place myself in her shoes, tried to see what she saw at that moment. She had left the city to get away from the things which were eating away at her but ended up getting a text message halfway through our dinner from a friend who confessed that she had liked her boyfriend all along, and was very sorry they ended up having sex a while back.

"All I wanted was something true."

I was still staring at the desk when I thought about how fucked up I was, feeling the way I did about her being on my bed.

____________________________○

"Do you think I could borrow a t-shirt from you? Just for tonight."

I went through my wardrobe and passed her a light blue shirt. She went to the bathroom to bath and change. I wondered where I was going to sleep. My mother wouldn't be coming back to the house because she had made herself a room in the other house, also because she didn't want to intrude, which I felt particularly strange about.

When she was done I told her that I would be sleeping in my mother's room and that she could have my bed.

"I'm so sorry," she said. I explained to her that it wasn't going to be a problem and she shouldn't worry. Told her I had fallen asleep many times before in my mother's room.

Unfortunately, there was only one table fan in the whole house, and it was placed in my room.

____________________________○

I tossed and turned on my mother's bed. It was very warm in the room: the ventilation was poor, making it very uncomfortable. I started to be sweaty.

"Are you asleep?"

She peeked into the room from behind the door which I had left ajar.

"No," I said, thinking to myself that it was a bad idea after all choosing my mother's room.

"I'd want you to sleep in your room, you know. I could take your place here, instead."

"No, that wouldn't do."

"Then?"

"We could share my bed."

____________________________○

We shared my bed; she took the half facing the curtainless window while I took the half closest to the oscillating table fan. I made sure that she was able to get a fair share of the breeze. But still, I found it difficult to sleep. The sweat was cooling on my body, and I found myself thinking of her, lying beside me. I thought about the light blue fabric of my shirt on her skin. I thought about holding her. I thought about feeling her with my hands. I thought and I thought. I would have taken anything more that would have happened had I turned and got closer to her, anything at all. I got hard. It was the worst place to be; to be sleepless and wanting.

I didn't turn; I kept my back to her. I let her curl up with my checkered blanket as the night got colder. And then, after what seemed like a very long time, I slept.

____________________________○

"I hardly slept at all."

"Me too."

I drove us to church. Many of the church members stared at us as we made our way into the service. Some of them winked at me. She didn't seem to notice the attention though. I was very conscious of everything I did once we were inside: how I clapped my hands, how I sang, how I read in unison with the others. I tried very hard to stay awake during the sermon.

We stayed a while after the service and many welcomed her. I stayed silent most of the time, throwing in an occasional nod or two, here and there in conversations which took place. After that I suggested having lunch together, but she declined and said that she would have to go back soon. She would be buying some buns at the station, have those on the way back and that would be enough.

____________________________○

"I'm glad I came here," she said.

I thought about us sharing the bed, but didn't say anything about it as I drove to the bus station. I was very tired, and felt more comfortable not saying anything, even though she would be leaving. The volume on the radio was turned so low that I couldn't hear what song it was that was playing. We passed an army camp and came to a crossroads, where we stopped because the traffic light was red.

"Whatever happens next, take care of yourself," I said.