'When You Left--Did You Leave Me This?'

My fingernails are long enough for me to show the traces of my being a dogsbody today. I still have some dust and dirt, deep in the recesses of my hand lines, from shifting the company property i.e. records, files - boxes and boxes of the stuff. I nearly collapsed a few times from the overwork, cold sweat felt trickling down my face, arms, and back; my vision too, I felt, was on the verge of being overcome with specks, not unlike the static on a television screen set to nothing. I am going to be set to nothing, I thought then. So, I sat, and stopped myself from joining the others in their toil - I knew I was turning white as a sheet every time it came on; and it was close. Perhaps I was lucky; perhaps it was those breaks which I took that I was able to continue accompanying the movers comprising only of our office men, for the four-hour task. (I know what it's like to blackout. I did once, on the school field when my pride got the best of me. I did not want to lose to two taller juniors that day, so I ran. And ran. And ran. After finishing, I fell and laid on the ground. Still, save for the intensity of my breathing. Blankly, I stared into the sky. My being brimming with nausea and ache of muscles, abused.)

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Had it been another way, I keep telling myself - but that's not the way things are, are they?

I find myself thinking more like my mother every day, only to switch to my 'son mode' and contradict myself later.

When I was younger, I kept telling myself that all this is a lie - that my father is actually somewhere else, still alive, and some day: he would come back for me and mum. But then, after a while, I would go on to forget about it; because my memories of him are as vague as the thinnest shadows, the softest smoke - and they go further from me each year.

I did not attend Father's Day service this year.

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On Sunday morning, I wrote:

Tapi dusta, menyingkirkan aku dari mu
Tapi tamak haloba menjadikan kita lesu
Tapi dusta, menyingkirkan aku dari mu
Tapi tamak haloba menjadikan kita lesu

Yang kelabu tanpa benar salah masih..
Yang kelabu tanpa benar salah masih..
Yang kelabu tanpa benar salah masih..
Yang kelabu tanpa benar salah masih..

Masih..

Which translated, (loosely) means:

But deceit; it cuts me away from you
But greed; it makes us weary
But deceit; it cuts me away from you
But greed; it makes us weary

All that's grey, with no right or wrong, remains..
All that's grey, with no right or wrong, remains..
All that's grey, with no right or wrong, remains..
All that's grey, with no right or wrong, remains..

Remains..


It's here. Many have asked me for its meaning. Even after being given the above translation; I would just shrug and tell them, "What you make of it, initially - that's what it is." And that's the truth, for me.

( _")