'What I'm Trying to Say'

When I came back to my desk on Monday, the calendar was moved a few inches to the left, my tray filled with self-cut-'post-it'-size-papers was turned the other way. I knew because I was struggling to get the paperclips like some clumsy office-boy for a few minutes before realising the unfamiliarity that they were on the other side of the tray, against the wall of my purplish blue cubicle wall where many old (and forgotten, obsolete) reminders were kept in place seemingly by colorful pinheads (not pins). My day began like an award winning movie written (and directed) for an alternate world where critiques loved watching paint dry, blowing up footballs with bent straws, and of course - the gentle art of filling paperwork in accordance to their alphabetical order and chronology. The first thing I did when I got online was to see what she had wrote...

Sunday evening, after talking to her - I decided to give up smoking (this was in no way a one-conversation thingie, I'm not an easy person - or so I tell myself). I was texting her as I passed the school and the cemetary. In my bottom right pocket (a strange but convenient position for pocket geography) were 8 pieces of Clorets. One was already in my mouth. The news made her smile. So in the ochre lights on the way back to the apartment, I found myself smiling too.

Saturday morning, I had a mis-call from the Telekom shop at around 9 something (I was still sleeping). I didn't know it was from them until I compared the number in my phone and the one which was on their shop wall placard when I decided to visit them (just in case my modem was back from the warranty-in-action). They were already awaiting me. I rushed home like a madman with the miracle-part in hand, gathering my tools: my microphone and guitar. I had plans. 'Hopefully, time and coincidence would permit it' - I thought.

The moment I got back home (this was Friday night), and after taking my own sweet time to get myself cleaned up and fed proper (read: a hot shower and a bowl of Maggi noodles), I went online until 5 in the morning. No one called me out. Either ways - I didn't want to leave: She was there...(At 5, I realised I was really making rubbish conversations that either made me look delirious or stupid, also my eyes were giving way too much - regretfully I left and bumped my way into the room).

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'You look so good in the clothes of a poser,
And when you smiled all the kids fell apart here;
I know a place where it's warm and it's dry, dear -
Let me take you there

North of the river all the streets are the same,
We can pretend that they don't know our name
And the heat is turned all the way to full,
So don't pretend that you don't feel the pull

I am trying to say,
What I want to say;
Without having to say -
"I love you".....'

~ 'What I'm Trying to Say' by Stars ~

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