'The Thin Line of My World'

A more homely weekend. For a simple fact that it's longer than usual, monday's a replacement leave day for today's Wesak day. And we see circles rippling and strings being strung connecting everything.

Church was half empty (or yeah sure, if you want to: "Half full"). Due to the fact that it's a holiday tomorrow, i guess that the church Family Camp organisers saw it good to have it this weekend. The camp is an annual one. So that left a big hole in the service this morning. If you were there today, you could see that a few people were really filling in for the shoes of those who weren't here. Some looked forced. Some carried their duties out naturally but you could see the self counsciousness in their eyes. Well, i'm overtly critical but that was how i felt for a while. Couldn't complain for long though, as i wouldn't have been at camp as it was in Penang. I just had to be back here for the weekend.

I wore my old Kamunting factory pants. It had polyurethane resin stains on them. Not exactly dressing your best for God on His special day of the week. But then again everyday is His special day and shouldn't be celebrated any differently. And yeah i was thinking of 'Come As You Are' (Not Kurt Cobain's, It's a verse somewhere in the Bible but i forgot). I suppose the stains bore resemblance to the things in my life which i have not successfully (use 'failed' and it sounds downright depressing rite?) surrendered to God: The 'polyurethane resin' sins. And you can never leave what's apart of you when you go from place to place. Pretense just fails at the end of the day and you'd be left worse than better. So yeah, i hardly try to hide how i feel and physically, i guess it represents much of how i feel. But i can always afford to smile. Just 'cause i'm not happy doesn't mean that the world needs to be conformed to my emotions and moods. There's always a light stealing through the ugly window pane.

Anyways hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow. My head has been feeling like a tonne since i last wrote on Friday. I feel like i'm on 2 planes now and i'm forced to choose. I guess i'll sleep it off later.